Terribly Funny Dad Jokes

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Cut out toxic people. The only toxic person in your life should be your cat.

How I Met Your Father? He said, “you up?” Then 9 months later you were born.

They shouldn’t be called legos, they should be called “Oh fuck! God damn it mother fucking fucker! Shit, my foot! Shit!”

Hacky sack is like a fetish. I’ll never understand it, and it involves too many feet.

How did the house get taller? It threw a party and raised the roof.

Why was the rabbit arrested on the subway? Cuz he was caught train hopping.

Why wouldn’t the turkeys wife let him go to Vegas? Because he had a gobbling problem.

Why did the balloon have to take anger management classes? Because even on his own birthday you never knew when he was going to pop.

Why did the shadow get arrested? Because he was acting all shady.

My wife took up gardening. But I’m not sure why she’s digging it 6 feet deep.

Why couldn’t the two telephone poles date? Because although there were sparks between them, they were just too far apart.

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